Our No-Frills Future

From the BBC: Could cuts to arts and creativity funding lead to no-frills schools?

Good morning, boys and girls. Welcome to your first day at Back to Basics High School, your new, no-frills educational establishment. Here at B2B High, our motto is “None of the frills, but ALL of the thrills!”

I’ll be your AP Arts Teacher for the year—that’s AP for ‘All-Purpose’. You’ll hear some malcontents saying that your government doesn’t care about arts education. But I’m living proof to the contrary, which is why I’m addressing you via this recording: being the only arts teacher for all 271 schools in this area is clearly a busy, important job. I’ll look forward to meeting as many of you as possible when I come to your school this term, which will be during the second half of Period 5 on the last Wednesday before the holiday break (although I will need to get away sharpish for the staff party).

“But teacher,” you ask, “will I get any actual arts experience here at B2B High?” Will you ever! Let’s start with visual art. Each and every student at B2B High will contribute directly to a large-scale, site-specific, interactive installation work—your own school! Because government has cut our school rebuilding support, you’ll be patching, painting and even helping to construct huge sections of B2B High. You’ll be amazed at how creative you can be with a bit of matt emulsion and Polyfilla!

Your B2B arts experience doesn’t end there, though. There’s design technology—as you build your own classroom furniture from scrap wood and metal—and even filmmaking, through helping to operate and maintain the school’s absolutely state-of-the-art surveillance system. As for drama, you’ll engage in deep role-play as prison guards keeping watch over the growing number of behaviour-related detainees among your peers. Again sparing no expense, your role-play training will be provided by those masters of improvisation, the British military, embedded in your school just as they are in combat zones around the world.

For those of you who choose to obstinately fight the zeitgeist and pursue a ‘career’ in the arts, B2B has something for you, too: our Court Minstrel course, in which you’ll learn to obsequiously mimic whatever flavor-of-the-moment reality show star takes the fancy of your privately educated betters. A complementary Court Jester course is coming soon.

That’s it for now, my lovelies. You’ll find an arts syllabus in your welcome pack. Don’t be discouraged that it only comprises a few paragraphs, or that the designated time for the entirety of your arts provision is between 3:00 and 3:15 on alternating Tuesdays. Here at B2B High, we believe that school is what you make of it. Just don’t expect to be spoon-fed with luxuries like proper teaching, exciting coursework and decent facilities. It’s an austere world out there, children: best get used to it now. And again, welcome!